So the therapist, her name is Ann. She gave me "homework". It's a bunch of sheet I'm supposed to read.....it starts out with a triangle, thoughts, actions, feelings. The idea is that if you change one the others will follow. Right? Makes sense!
Negative emotions create negative behavior.....then it goes to explain the whole " snowball" idea I have talked about that I'm great at creating in my head.
Then there is half a page I'm supposed to fill with "rewarding" activities......problem is I have a hard time thinking of the last time I did any of them.....
Oooooo setting attainable goals.....get the dishes done.....NOT make the kitchen immaculate!!
Low mood=low energy=few accomplishments=EVEN LOWER MOOD...... Tis is where I am trapped right now :(
Ooooo problem/things I would like to change.....in Family, Friends,Work, Lifestyle, finances, other..... Think I'm going to need some extra space for that ;)
I'm sure Ann knows what she is doing, but right now I wonder where this is going to go.
Why do I need this again? I just don't get it some days, well most day really......I don't want to be the person that needs this help. I just wanna be "normaal". How did I get here?
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Tuesday 29 November 2011
Hmm so he says "what is missing"
Steve has always been pretty good at knowing when things aren't "right" sometimes even before I know.....or realize it. So we were supposed to go out on Friday, arranged a sitter and I spent the day tidying things up...... Or so I thought I did. And he comes home and is instantly pissy.. He started out that way in the morning, but I thought things were getting better as we talked through the day. So I get ready, shave, do my hair, make-up....I'm excited for a night out!! I need some time away from the house. And I wait, and he puts ona movie for the kids.....then he finally comes upstairs and I think, ok time to go......I'm hungry I haven't had dinner yet. And he opens a bottle of wine!!??!! WHAT???
I don't get it! I look at him and say "aren't we going for dinner?" before we were meeting a friend for a drink. He replied with, "I told you I wouldn't have time for dinner". I look at him and ask if I should just call off the whole thing, and he says "getting close to that"
Again wtf!!! So now I'm pissed off, I take my boots off and start doing dishes.....then shortly after that I change into pj pants and a t-shirt....
He was actually shocked!! Did he think after him being such a jerk I still wanted to go out with him???
So we tried to talk, he commented that it looked like I hadn't done anything all day....oh how I hate that comment!!
But the one thing that actually stuck out in the conversation was "What is missing?".
So What is missing????
I don't go to MOPS, I don't go out for scrap booking once a month(or more), I DONT GO OUT AT ALL.....
ALL I do is daily chores, make coffee, get breakfast done, make 2 lunches pack one snack, get kids out of the house and to school, come back here, check facebook, do dishes and laundry, pick up one kid, make his lunch, more dishes and laundry, go back get 2 kids, more laundry, make dinner, more dishes.......day after day......
I'm kinda tired of it....
I was actually looking forward to the "therapist" appt, that I had to cancel because the kids were out of school on Friday.....because it was something different.... But if I do take the time to do something different, it just makes the dishes and laundry pile up because while I am out, "having fun" nobody is here doing my job. So it makes the "fun" less fun because I know what is waiting for me.....
So how do I get caught up enough that I feel like it can take the break I need? It's a catch 22.....I need the break, and I know I do, but it's not easy to take them when there is so much to do...... Crap it's not easy!!!
Focus, where is it? I'm not sure....
Well that's my little rant for now. I think he knows the answer to what is missing, or he wouldn't have asked me. He has commented before that I was more productive when I had more things on the go.....but it's not something he can fix for me......
Now just wait how "messy" things get around here when I start to "unpack my backpack".....
I don't get it! I look at him and say "aren't we going for dinner?" before we were meeting a friend for a drink. He replied with, "I told you I wouldn't have time for dinner". I look at him and ask if I should just call off the whole thing, and he says "getting close to that"
Again wtf!!! So now I'm pissed off, I take my boots off and start doing dishes.....then shortly after that I change into pj pants and a t-shirt....
He was actually shocked!! Did he think after him being such a jerk I still wanted to go out with him???
So we tried to talk, he commented that it looked like I hadn't done anything all day....oh how I hate that comment!!
But the one thing that actually stuck out in the conversation was "What is missing?".
So What is missing????
I don't go to MOPS, I don't go out for scrap booking once a month(or more), I DONT GO OUT AT ALL.....
ALL I do is daily chores, make coffee, get breakfast done, make 2 lunches pack one snack, get kids out of the house and to school, come back here, check facebook, do dishes and laundry, pick up one kid, make his lunch, more dishes and laundry, go back get 2 kids, more laundry, make dinner, more dishes.......day after day......
I'm kinda tired of it....
I was actually looking forward to the "therapist" appt, that I had to cancel because the kids were out of school on Friday.....because it was something different.... But if I do take the time to do something different, it just makes the dishes and laundry pile up because while I am out, "having fun" nobody is here doing my job. So it makes the "fun" less fun because I know what is waiting for me.....
So how do I get caught up enough that I feel like it can take the break I need? It's a catch 22.....I need the break, and I know I do, but it's not easy to take them when there is so much to do...... Crap it's not easy!!!
Focus, where is it? I'm not sure....
Well that's my little rant for now. I think he knows the answer to what is missing, or he wouldn't have asked me. He has commented before that I was more productive when I had more things on the go.....but it's not something he can fix for me......
Now just wait how "messy" things get around here when I start to "unpack my backpack".....
Thursday 17 November 2011
So I spent a whole day wondering why I needed therapy.... Well actually more than a day but.....
I was actually kinda angry! I mean couldn't I just continue to "suck it up"? couldn't I just leave it all in my backpack? Why did I have to open this up?
This is going to hurt more than I can imagine. My little sister says she can see me at the end of this, which is good that somebody can see it I guess, all I see is this crumpled mess in the middle.
In my back pack is some shame, and a fair bit of guilt.
Man I have a "Therapist"!!! How did this happen!!
I know this is for me, but it feels less selfish if I think about it as meaning sure I am being the best mom I can be.
So as I go through this journey I will keep a "log" here and hopefully watch me get better.
I was actually kinda angry! I mean couldn't I just continue to "suck it up"? couldn't I just leave it all in my backpack? Why did I have to open this up?
This is going to hurt more than I can imagine. My little sister says she can see me at the end of this, which is good that somebody can see it I guess, all I see is this crumpled mess in the middle.
In my back pack is some shame, and a fair bit of guilt.
Man I have a "Therapist"!!! How did this happen!!
I know this is for me, but it feels less selfish if I think about it as meaning sure I am being the best mom I can be.
So as I go through this journey I will keep a "log" here and hopefully watch me get better.
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